Jummah Reflection: Being Human
Jummah Mubarak, Shabbat Shalom & TGIF.
I’m preparing to take a social media break for the next couple weeks and devote my energy to writing the story of my spiritual journey. This is not an easy story to write, and I’ve been in a weird state of reflection this week. Random moments from the past 43 years pop up, seemingly for no reason. I am doing my best to understand why my subconscious suddenly thinks they might be relevant. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting.
I was born a melancholy baby, I was a melancholy girl…and I am a melancholy woman.
There are days when I feel like I have been alive for centuries and that all of the sweet pain of human existence is filling my heart. I can barely stand it. Colors are muted and time slows down and everything in front of me seems like it’s a memory from another lifetime.
Other days, I feel like I’ve just witnessed the moment of creation, and all of the universe is brand new, open and ready for me to explore. Colors are bright and pierce my eyes and my heart. Possibility exists everywhere, and I see infinity in everyone’s eyes.
These states are emotional, yes, but also intensely spiritual.
These are the days when I am not trying to ‘accomplish’ anything. I am simply being. Open to the experience of humanness, and observing myself along with the rest of the universe. I’m closest to The Divine One when I am in these states. And I wonder if this is how others experience their connection to God.
Art and music and poetry can set it off, but sometimes, it’s a dream or a face in a crowd…and sometimes it’s just waking up and seeing the way the light falls in my room a certain way.
During these times I am defenseless against my own raw existence. I cannot be angry like this. I can’t be ambitious. I cannot perpetuate whatever egotistical lies I tell myself. I simply am, as I am.
Perhaps this is why we all spend so much time stoking our own fear and anger even when we know it makes us less effective in our work? Or investing in self-help books, cosmetics and education that is supposed to transform us?
We must keep ourselves distracted from own melancholy and the moments of truth that remind us who and what we are, intrinsically. Unchangeably. Irrevocably.
We are human. Only human. Alhamdolillah.
For my part, I love these times. I love knowing that I am one of billions who will melt away into history and be forgotten. That there is a mystery to my existence that is beyond whatever plans I have or work I produce. That each moment I am conscious and living here is mine to experience as a birthright – not as a contract, but as a gift.
May we all find time during our holy days to let the stillness overwhelm us. Ameen.