Blog 6.4.24

Yesterday I met with one of my regular writing partners, and she dropped a comment that I hear regularly from other creatives – one that I struggle to relate to. It was something to the effect of, ‘I waited for the universe to tell me what to do’. Sometimes people use the word ‘god’ instead of ‘universe’, but the point still stands. Many people I know believe they are tuned in to some frequency that gives them clues about how to proceed with their lives.

I have pretty good intuition. I think it could be even better if I took the trouble to cultivate it, but at this point I rely on it solely as a gut-check. It’s usually the thing I check on last, once I’ve spent time mulling over an idea or a decision in my mind. But it’s never my go-to.

This might seem like a small thing, yet I find myself envious of people who have the ability (whether real or imagined) to navigate the world through vibes and signs. People who feel open enough to allow omens to enter their consciousness and guide their decisions. It seems like they have a power I don’t have, as I struggle mightily to plan and scheme in the realm of rationality.

Which is not to say that I’m completely devoid of all mystical tendencies. I do have some metaphysical ideas that I play with. But I can never fully buy into them. It’s like I’m trapped in my rational mind. What’s strange is that I struggled with this even when I was actively practicing religion. The cognitive dissonance of my youth – believing things that I couldn’t justify to myself – was both intellectually and emotionally exhausting, producing a constant state of anxiety. As an adult, my religious practice kept the woo at arms’ length even as I was preaching it, surrounded by true believers. I used to say things to other people and then think to myself, I don’t really believe this. I’ll never forget the relief I felt when i was finally able to say, “this is simply not true, and I refuse to pretend that it is anymore.”

I’ve always had a vivid imagination, but I’ve never had a hard time differentiating between the make-believe and the “real” – which makes me feel like I was born with some deficiency. Because most people I know do have these kinds of ideas about taking direction from some invisible, outside source that requires no proof whatsoever. I wish I could send my intentions ‘out into the universe’ and receive guidance. But the fact is, I’ve been disappointed time and again, despite trying my best to open myself up to this kind of ‘help’.

I believe there are many things about the universe that I don’t understand, and I don’t want to write off others’ experiences in these realms of ‘knowledge.’ A lot of people seem very happy with this way of being. How must it feel to truly believe you have an answer from some higher power – be it god or the infinite cosmos or the natural world in which we evolved?

If only.