Last night I decided to log in and join my zen sangha’s Wednesday night meditation group.
Every week there is a different theme for the meditation, and last night’s was loving-kindness. I haven’t been feeling much loving-kindness these days. Quite the opposite, really. So I wasn’t sure I wanted to attend. But I had free time and my fam was busy with other things so I thought, ‘why not?’
I’m so glad I joined. We were led by a beautiful member of the sangha who walked us through the steps of ‘metta’ – where we consciously relax our bodies, open our hearts, and send the purest love and compassion we can out into the world. We start with ourselves first, then move to people we already love. Then, we move toward sending love to people we don’t know. THEN, we send love to people we don’t like, or who have hurt us in some way. I’ve done this before. Sometimes it’s easier than others.
Anyway, as soon as I sat still for just a few minutes and allowed myself to settle and open, a flood of tears came. I cried the entire hour, while sending out whatever love I have to the world. It shocked me. I didn’t realize how much negativity, fear and anger I was holding on to until that moment.
Once we got to the part where we widened our metta to include people we don’t know, I started to feel like a AAA battery trying to charge an electric vehicle. The feeling I had was that I had nothing to offer. I felt helpless, weak and ineffectual. How can one person with only a tiny bit of power make a difference? No matter how much I wanted to give, I came face-to-face with my limitations. It was sobering and sad, and, as is often the case, I started questioning my value.
When we were done meditating there was discussion, and I brought this up. The facilitator wisely chose to share with us the Five Remembrances (see below) before closing. The Five Remembrances are beautiful reminders that our value in this world is not whether we can ‘save it’ or be some kind of hero. Only that we must remain humble, recognize our own limitations, surrender to the reality of who/what we are, and take responsibility for our own deeds – whatever our capacity for them may be.
So I’m sharing these with you, along with a reminder that crying is natural, healthy and safe, and it will help protect your body from the ravages of anxiety and anger.
After we were done with our group, my body felt more relaxed than it had in weeks, and I slept beautifully.
I try extremely hard not to put my heightened emotions onto other people. I don’t think it’s fair. Emotions are contagious – especially negative ones, and especially online. But they MUST be dealt with in a healthy, productive way. If for no other reason than for self-preservation.
Find you a community, any community, where you’re free to do so. And if you’re ever interested in joining our online Wednesday night sits, hmu. I’ll share the info with you. We meet for an hour-ish every Weds night. Everyone is welcome with open arms. No one is required to do anything they don’t feel comfortable with (you don’t even need to turn on the camera).
Oh and – I love you. Very much. Please practice self-care. It isn’t selfish. It’s the thing that will protect you and give you the strength you need to serve others.